I decided, as this is my first entry here, to start with a bang… and a bad pun too because why not? Most of us are shy about sex and so we avoid speaking seriously about it. We will make jokes, we will complain and we will use euphemisms. This is okay since any tool you have at your disposal to improve your communication skills about sex is a valuable tool and should be used, of course. However let’s take this discussion to the most honest side we can: orgasm.
Though we do not like to say it, an orgasm is the goal for most of us during sexual contact. The reason for this should be obvious: it feels amazing! It’s worth the effort just for the sheer pleasure of the experience for most of us. And, yes, it is effort.
This is the bit we need to acknowledge and talk about frankly and openly: for most women reaching an orgasm is effort and for some men as well. It is difficult! And we put the pressure to achieve this bliss on the shoulders of our partner.
An orgasm in women can take as long as twenty minutes (often more) to achieve with incorrect stimulation, and the frustration of not reaching one can be enough to spoil the mood and increase anxiety.
So what can we learn from an orgasm?
- The best orgasms come from an intimate knowledge of yourself. You cannot be Googled. Your body, your needs and proclivities are not common knowledge and no one but you knows your quirks. You are a special snowflake. If you want someone to make you orgasm, that person is you.
- There is fundamental Emotional Intelligence needed to get a person to feel safe enough to orgasm. We are never more vulnerable than when we are orgasming. We need to trust our partner more completely than we trust anyone else and we need to feel safe enough to lose all semblance of dignity or control whilst being watched. From the side of the one orgasming there needs to be trust. This implies that from the side of the one causing the orgasm a safe space needs to be created where emotions and fears are validated and accepted. A selfish space or a judgmental space is not a space where someone can expose their deepest self.
- Listening skills are important. The ability to listen to your partner during intimate moments is a very underrated skill for a pastime most people think is largely mindreading and guesswork. Listening to small sounds, taking heed of body language and cues, and moving at a pace our partner is comfortable with are all results of good communication skills. Listening to the frustrations of your partner, sounds of surprise, pain, discomfort, annoyance or boredom are also important cues good listening skills can give you. If you pick up on these and you feel you need guidance feel free to ask your partner (maybe over dinner or whenever you feel comfortable) what you are doing that they like and don’t like.
- Your self-image is your problem not your partner’s. Your self-image honestly has nothing to do with what you look like. It is directly related to the regard you place on yourself. Your partner should not be punished for your self-image. It is their choice to be there and they think you are amazing enough to make love to. Do not decide for them what they think of your body. It is unfair and will lead to a fight or frustration. Work on your own self-image.
- Directions are not criticism. If you want to excel at something allow a person that knows more about it to teach you. It is not a personal slight on your prowess or an evaluation of your worth as a person to tell you “change this for you to be better”. Do not get into a huff, do not get defensive and do not dismiss the advice. Again, listen.
- If you don’t stay in the moment, the moment is going to pass you by. Many people struggle to reach orgasm because they are busy thinking about something else. The house, the finances, the kids, your work, television, supper, the car blah, blah, blah! Stop it. Look your partner in their eye, take a deep breath and get in the moment or else you have a good chance of going off the boil and diagnosing yourself with “low libido” when all you have is a lack of mindfulness.
- Pleasure should be mutual. Never be selfish or uninvolved in making love. Never believe your partner is there only for your pleasure or your comfort. Once you have reached your orgasm it is your responsibility to ensure that your partner is as satisfied as you are. Never take your partner for granted because if the pleasure isn’t mutual there is no point in giving you pleasure anymore.
These seven lessons are a microcosm of a whole relationship and following them will not only make you a better lover but also a better partner. More than that it will make your orgasms better and more frequent. Have fun out there!