Trust me, this sounds much easier than it actually is. Inner peace. I thought it would be easy to just relax and go through the day with no intention of harming anyone annoying or throwing a sarcastic remark at a dumb question. This turned out to be more complicated than I thought. I decided to go on a journey to forgive all the people that have done me wrong in my life, and all the people that I imagined would die a horrible death. I wanted to purify my heart and be brand new; a fresh start. I read books on how to calm myself and become centered. I read books on embracing your inner being and allowing yourself to be human. I stretched myself into weird positions while listening to music that sounds like it came from a village in the jungle. I sat on a mat in the garden under a tree. I breathed slowly. I tried.
One thing I am good at is throwing a fit. Seriously, if there was a world championship title I would win it, consecutively. However, it is not something I am very proud of. I have always stood up for myself but I realized that you will shorten your life to a great extent if you go through it expecting a fight around every turn. It’s exhausting to say the least. It’s exhausting to always want to be right. Just step away from the damn argument and be on your way. That is what I am teaching myself at this stage in life.
One thing that is very hard to do, especially for me, is to bite my tongue. Some people might consider me a rude individual, because I open my mouth whenever I see injustice. I can’t handle bad service and will (literally) burn a building to the ground when confronted with it. I don’t like people who think they are superior, because they have a title in a business that they don’t even like, and if it wasn’t for the money they would resign. I don’t like passionless individuals that just live to get through the day. I realized I needed to change, not for these people, but to prevent myself from having a heart attack before I am forty. It was time to accept the things I could not change, and you know how the rest goes.
Acceptance is easier said than done. On some days, I would have said ten curse words before 09h00 the morning, and I would be playing out possible arguments in my mind. Other days, I felt like I finally understood what inner peace felt like. Inner peace was far from who I was. I was more like a hurricane. I realized that I have to make an effort to be peaceful. Whoever said that peace just comes to you, is either drugged or asleep. Peace takes work. Peace takes a lot of thought and harnessing of the mind. Peace means that your emotions need to be handled, and they should not handle you. For an emotional and expressive person like myself, it is damn hard to do. It’s like a boot camp for the soul.
I was determined to find my inner peace. I was certain my little cloud of euphoria was out there and that I, too, can float through life. Peaceful.
How was I going to find peace in this world? This world is anything but peaceful. I just knew I had to try. I have a fantastic life, so where is the peace? What is wrong with me? I think I might be insane. I have everything except peace.
Firstly, I learned something that was horrible to accept. Ready for it – MY OPINION WASN’T ALWAYS NEEDED. This revelation slammed me, in the face, with a chair, but it was the truth. So, slowly but surely, I reserved my opinion in conversations. Let me tell you, getting that right is probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. I ended up missing half of the conversation because I was giving my opinion in my mind. After a few months of practice, I improved, but I still have a long way to go.
Next, I realized that the world doesn’t owe me. I know it sounds mundane, I mean, we all know the world doesn’t owe us anything, right? Knowing and believing are two very different things, though. You might know that the world doesn’t owe you, but boy, wait till the world gives it to you bad, then you perform! Then you blame the world, “Oh, the world is so unfair! Oh, I just can’t get a break!” I realized that I had to start believing that the world didn’t owe me. I can say that I have passed that stage and I am a believer! Bring it on world!
I realized that what I say, and how I say it, are very important. I am rather short, so I feel the need to raise my voice in order to be heard. It’s like that small lizard in the desert that stands up when a threat comes too close to it. The bigger you look, the more intimidating you will be. I must admit that I have yet to pass this test, especially when it comes to bad service. I have, however, managed to explain why I am upset (to the consultant that clearly has no interest in my problem because it is ten minutes before her lunch break) in a low an even tone of voice. I could only manage to do this for three minutes and then my little desert lizard jumped out from behind me and flared up like a tornado. Needless to say, the consultant then did her job quick, quick. Nevertheless I am aiming to resolve conflict in a professional and calm manner from now on, so now I stay at home and let my husband do the talking, as he has far more finesse and patience than I do. Win-win.
I have managed to control my tongue but possibly my biggest test will be to conquer my facial expressions. I have yet to even attempt this so I cannot comment on how to do this. My face is like a separate planet where dumb things are not accepted. My face is bad.
I realized that I have inner peace. My inner peace comes between 21h00 and 00h00 at night, when everything is quiet and I can stare at the stars. My inner peace comes from making my husband supper and talking to him about his day. My inner peace is brushing my horse. I have a lot of inner peace, especially when I am alone. No drama. The trick comes to have inner peace around people.
So, until I reach that stage where my inner peace can flow over to people that annoy me, or people that I don’t like, I have decided to keep sitting under the tree breathing, to keep stretching, to keep training my thoughts and emotions. Until then, I suggest people don’t do anything stupid!
Have an inner peaceful day.